An Anonymous Letter To My...

When you feel like you have so many unspoken words,

and it’s easier to cry than to speak, go ahead & write.

Express what is on your mind, tell me what aches you.

Your heart. Your soul.

I have a few things to get off my chest, and at first it was because it was hurting me.

But now, I am doing it because it’s preventing me from being my best.

I have a lot to say. I do not care what you do or what you think.

I will speak my mind because I too want to heal.

You’ve spoken your words. You’ve cried. You’ve explored your anger.

But not once did you explore your happiness. Nope, not with me.

Not your happiness. Not your sadness.

Sometimes. Barely.

I remember very little of that. I remember the kind gestures,

But that alone wasn't enough.

I’ve watched you grow in happiness with those around you.

Your friends, your other halves, strangers… but it was hard to notice it around me.

I recall so much of your fists. Your slaps. Your insults.

I craved a relationship with you.

I catered to you.

Or, at least I could have.

But you pushed me away. I remember your growl. Nothing kind.

—sometimes.

But why? What’s the catch?

Trust was always questionable.

Trust only existed in survival.

But it did not exist in secrets.

Was this instinct?

Protect the young?

Mother the young?

Restrict the young?

I did not want to be held down.

No trust?

How could I live life without trust?

I shined bright, but was always told to dim down.

I did not want to change.

I was happy. I felt light within me.

Die!

That’s what you told me.

I could have. If I wanted to, I could have.

But I did not want to.

I chose not to. I couldn’t.

I had something to live for, that I knew.

I did not want to be held down, but my wings were clipped.

Tormented. Wrapped in insecurities, judgment, & lacking motivation.

I prayed for something magical.

I wanted to fly. I needed to fly.

Away from you.

I was called into training, away from you.

I got to see what you couldn’t, because it wasn’t meant for you.

You did not want to see.

Therefore, it was not for you.

I wanted to explore.

To grow. To experience.

With guidance from an elder.

At first, I thought it was you.

Then I found out it wasn’t.

I missed you though.

My guidance wanted to show off my wings.

My guidance wanted to exploit my wings.

They wanted you to see them.

To show off what they had accomplished.

But that wasn’t what I wanted.

I wanted you to be a part of it.

I appreciated it, their assistance, truly, I did.

I still do.

But somehow, I still craved one thing.

Something you nor they could provide.

I was taught that kindness was appreciated.

But kind gestures don’t only come in materialistic items.

I wanted more. I wanted you.

Your friendship. Your love. Your guidance.