An Anonymous Letter To My...
When you feel like you have so many unspoken words,
and it’s easier to cry than to speak, go ahead & write.
Express what is on your mind, tell me what aches you.
Your heart. Your soul.
I have a few things to get off my chest, and at first it was because it was hurting me.
But now, I am doing it because it’s preventing me from being my best.
I have a lot to say. I do not care what you do or what you think.
I will speak my mind because I too want to heal.
You’ve spoken your words. You’ve cried. You’ve explored your anger.
But not once did you explore your happiness. Nope, not with me.
Not your happiness. Not your sadness.
Sometimes. Barely.
I remember very little of that. I remember the kind gestures,
But that alone wasn't enough.
I’ve watched you grow in happiness with those around you.
Your friends, your other halves, strangers… but it was hard to notice it around me.
I recall so much of your fists. Your slaps. Your insults.
I craved a relationship with you.
I catered to you.
Or, at least I could have.
But you pushed me away. I remember your growl. Nothing kind.
—sometimes.
But why? What’s the catch?
Trust was always questionable.
Trust only existed in survival.
But it did not exist in secrets.
Was this instinct?
Protect the young?
Mother the young?
Restrict the young?
I did not want to be held down.
No trust?
How could I live life without trust?
I shined bright, but was always told to dim down.
I did not want to change.
I was happy. I felt light within me.
Die!
That’s what you told me.
I could have. If I wanted to, I could have.
But I did not want to.
I chose not to. I couldn’t.
I had something to live for, that I knew.
I did not want to be held down, but my wings were clipped.
Tormented. Wrapped in insecurities, judgment, & lacking motivation.
I prayed for something magical.
I wanted to fly. I needed to fly.
Away from you.
I was called into training, away from you.
I got to see what you couldn’t, because it wasn’t meant for you.
You did not want to see.
Therefore, it was not for you.
I wanted to explore.
To grow. To experience.
With guidance from an elder.
At first, I thought it was you.
Then I found out it wasn’t.
I missed you though.
My guidance wanted to show off my wings.
My guidance wanted to exploit my wings.
They wanted you to see them.
To show off what they had accomplished.
But that wasn’t what I wanted.
I wanted you to be a part of it.
I appreciated it, their assistance, truly, I did.
I still do.
But somehow, I still craved one thing.
Something you nor they could provide.
I was taught that kindness was appreciated.
But kind gestures don’t only come in materialistic items.
I wanted more. I wanted you.
Your friendship. Your love. Your guidance.
I am an affectionate girl. Young lady. Woman.
I have grown now.
I have always sought out your love.
And no matter what I did, that love never did reciprocate.
No. At least not in the way that I needed it.
I wanted to cater to you. Because I loved you.
But your love was elsewhere.
Your effort, elsewhere.
And so, I learned to carry myself.
I learned to heal myself. & slowly, I’m learning to fly.
I have offered my love, my devotion, and my energy into trying to convince you that I was what you needed. & you continued to push me away.
I attempted to convince myself that I didn’t need you.
I cried for betraying you. I beat myself up for wanting someone else.
You made it very clear that you loved me, but didn’t want me.
You wanted someone else, you always did.
I tried convincing you that those you chose were bad for you.
No one could ever love you the way that I did.
And while it was very hard to accept, at first.
I realized that I was being selfish.
Because you too had to grow.
You needed time to ripen. Still do.
I wanted to share secrets with you.
I wanted to grow with you.
But I realized that you did not want to.
Not with me.
I understood why, I got that.
But you changed. & not in a good way.
You did not allow me to express myself.
I was dramatic.
You did not allow me to cry.
I was a cry baby.
You did not allow me to love freely.
I was annoying.
You pushed me away during a moment so special to you.
For me, it was a day I have looked forward to since I was young.
Anger got the best of us.
Nothing new.
You hurt me. Embarrassed me. Shunned me.
Over & over again.
& yet, I couldn't stay away, hoping you’d notice my last cry.
Blinded as always, I was left to drown.
I searched for words in your mouth you’ve never spoken.
I searched for the last bit of love before it was permanently taken.
I opened up to you in the past about my pain.
I opened up over and over again, until I’d had enough.
I was fed up. Always was. I had to defend myself.
I got tired of you looking down on me.
I got tired of you overlooking my experiences.
I got tired of not being able to please you.
To make you smile. To make you laugh.
Make you do anything other than insult me.
You allowed others to insult me.
You allowed others to bully me.
Your close friends, oh yes.
You did.
And when I told you all about it, you said nothing.
You did nothing.
You did not apologize, you did not hug me.
You did nothing.
It was then that it clicked.
You and I were different.
I did not want to be like you.
And I learned that I didn’t want to grow with you.
& yet, we did.
We grew apart.
Now, I want you to know.
Everything I have ever accomplished was without you.
For a long time I wanted to share my winnings with you.
But now I can sincerely say that I do not want you.
I wanted to fly for a long time.
But pleasing you had bounded me.
I am no longer a scared child.
I am no longer a needy girl.
To be quite fair, I don’t think I ever was.
I was a child. But now, I have grown up.
I no longer need your love.
& I definitely no longer want it.
It was toxic. Still is.
& it will continue to be. For as long as you allow it to be.
I grew to be wise. I had no choice.
I was walking blind for a very long time.
But the hardships I experienced shaped me.
They paved a road for me. Away from you.
You now have your own family.
Bonded by someone I once called my enemy.
I’m happy for you, truly, I am.
Maybe someday things would be different between us.
But for now, I’m content.
I’m happy with our distance.
I want you to know that though I will always care for you,
I no longer care for your attention.
If one day you see me, I will no longer be on your level.
I’ll be gone, above in the sky.
Flying high.
With my self-groomed wings.
With the people who supported me.
With those who actually loved me, unconditionally.
Yours Truly,
Janis E.💋
