Imagine being sucked into the darkness, & having no control over it.
Imagine not being able to shine because something is blocking your light.
Imagine is the only thing you can do.
But I lived it. & survived.
About two weeks ago, on Sunday, May 15th 2022, I was out in the streets selling the Project Eclipse Cooler Backpacks, when all of a sudden I started feeling disconnected. I started feeling emotional and just not myself.
I’ve been going through some changes in my personal life and it has been making me question my own worth.
I’ve been having problematic relationships with people around me, I’ve been financially struggling, and I’ve been trying to keep my sanity. Trying.
My only escape had been talking to nature, the moon, and the ocean. Dancing became a luxury since I didn’t really have time for it. Writing became impossible, as it required brain work. & photography became a job rather than a passion.
Because of my financial situation, it started to become difficult to feel good about myself & what I was doing. I could still smile, laugh, and enjoy my time. But in the back of my mind, I couldn’t help but think about my past due bills and how I was going to buy groceries.
My relationships had crashed. We had such different views about life & what it had to offer. My relationships were crumbling so much that it was affecting the way I was raising my daughter.
It’s interesting how time can be affected by your mental & emotional state. Time flies when you’re having fun, & time slows down when you’re miserable. These last two months in my own house felt torturous.
Everlasting.
I caught myself being less like how I wanted to be & more like how other’s wanted me to be.
Miserable.
I missed being playful. I missed being happy. I missed being energetic. I missed being me.
I heard the ocean calling for me several times through the wind, & several more times through the trees. Everything was connected. I always knew that. But I never noticed how connected I was to everything.
And so, I shut down. The Full Moon was approaching.
The day before, my fiancé took my daughter & I to the beach. We were both so happy. But Rich & I weren’t getting along. We were disagreeing more than ever. For such silly things. Was it hunger? Was I PMSing? Was he moody?
We felt fine.
The beach was beautiful. I felt her happiness. She knew something I didn’t, yet again.
The ocean didn’t say much to me this time around. All she said was, “Stay silent & listen.”
In which I did. I allowed her to guide me. Sea shells harmonized together under the waves. The ocean was clear & deeper than other days. She was not rough or calm.
Soon after, it was time to go. I felt tired. Drained somehow. Most people blame the sun for feeling that way. Yes, I admit I was sunkissed. But it wasn’t the sun that had drained me.
The ocean didn’t cleanse me this time. “Not yet”, she said.
Oddly enough, I saw smoke coming from the distance. A fire?
It was not just any fire though, a plane had crashed on the bridge we needed to take to get back home. What was going on?
Moving forward to Sunday. I was no longer selling the Project Eclipse Bags. I was in the passenger side of the car, waiting for Rich to say “Let’s go.”
I was over it.
I couldn’t understand why. I was proudly having fun selling our bags. I usually am. But I shutdown. I was no longer myself.
I had fallen into a depression. Nothing I did was fun anymore. I couldn’t play with my daughter. I couldn’t eat. I barely drank water.
All I could do was cry. I cried & cried & cried.
I cried about my crumbling relationships with people around me. I cried about having to move because my father is selling my childhood home. I cried because I had no money to pay for the bills, or to move out, or to buy groceries. I cried because I hadn’t been able to finish SelfiePro. I cried because I just needed to.
I was an emotional mess.
The morning after, I stayed in bed & just laid in the dark. I knew my daughter was crying. I knew I was hungry. I knew I had to get up and start my day, but I just couldn’t find the strength to do it.
I was in a deep depression.
I knew I was already in the dark, but I wanted to crawl deeper into darkness. & cry some more.
I needed a hug. I needed love. I needed help. Someone please HELP ME!
I cried because I couldn’t find the strength to get out of bed. I cried because my daughter was calling out to me, & I couldn’t do anything.
Why was I feeling like this? & how long would the feeling last?
I was supposed to be happy. I was supposed to be the reason people smiled. I wanted to be. So why was I not?
I felt so low, that cutting my wrist crossed my mind. Did I want to hurt myself? But why?
Snap out of Janis!!! I fought myself to stop thinking that way. I cried some more because how dare I think about doing something like that? I have a family!
My eyes were in pain & swollen from crying so much.
I remember the door opening and Rich coming in. He took Anora, changed her, fed her and played with her.
Then he came in and helped me out of bed. He hugged me. Kissed me. He didn’t know why I was feeling that way. He didn’t understand why all of sudden my attitude changed. Even so, there he was. Taking care of me.
He had always been that light in my darkness. The sun to my moon.
When Anora fell asleep for her first nap, he took me outside so that the sun could hit my delicate caramel skin. I had been severely sunkissed over the weekend.
He directed me to close my eyes and take deep breaths. He pushed me to soak in the heat of the sun, one more time, & enjoy the wind around me.
Then he told me to play a game with him. Soccer! It was so much fun.
Suddenly, I was no longer depressed. I no longer wanted to be in the dark. I could eat. I could smile. I finally got the energy to continue my day.
Later that morning, I ran into a picture of a lunar eclipse.
The moon & I have such a strong connection. But I had been so busy with everything that I didn’t notice how silent Luna was.
Was this what the ocean was trying to tell me?
To listen?
So many changes were happening.
I hadn’t even taken the time to speak with my friend.
Luna.
She was feeling these intense emotions of change & transformation, & couldn’t communicate it with me.
---------------------------------
My connection to the moon is so strong, that I am deeply affected by what she's going through.
Eclipses, both solar & lunar. Full Moons. Crescent.
---------------------------------
I eventually researched more about the eclipse.
& at some point, I ran into this: Full Flower Moon Lunar Eclipse. Even after reading the article, I didn’t understand why I was affected so intensely.
Was it because Luna is my best friend? Was it because Luna is my ruling planet?[Zodiac: Cancer]
Or is it because my Moon sign is a Scorpio?
This journey has been filled with crazy coincidences. Just read this.
I know now that my spiritual self was higher than I had ever known. & I must continue to power up.
For the sake of the moon.
For the sake of the ocean.
For the sake of mother nature.
For my own sake, I must.
I must continue to meditate. I must continue to smile. I must continue to embrace all of my truths. For my own growth, I must.
Thank you Ocean, for your warnings & ancient wisdom.
Thank you Luna, for allowing me to dive into the darkest parts of myself & be in tune with my emotions.
Thank you Rich, for being my sun & shining light on me. You picked me up when I needed you the most. You know me so well.
& thank you Janis, for allowing yourself to purge all the negativity away & making space for some brand new petals.
I know it was hard, but I did it!
For a moment, I thought I wouldn’t make it out alive. But here I am! Starting to bloom like the flower I was meant to be.
